REAL LIFE ISSUES WITH CHIOMA ALEXIS OGBONNAH
How to deal with abusive spouse, partner
I was 30 and had a good job. The pressure started coming especially from my mother. I had broken up with my long-time boyfriend for reasons I can’t even remember now.
I met my ex -husband who was a younger brother to a friend of mine. This friend of mine was a member of my church drama team which I was also a member. We were quite close and so when his brother came to seek for my hand in marriage i felt very comfortable with him.
He just came back to Nigeria from Spain and he seemed like a good Christian.
I like young men who loved the things of God. I guess that was what got me carried away. Also the fact that he was not so keen about sex before marriage. I couldn’t believe my luck in these times.
The signs
Our relationship was heaven on earth, he would visit me, pray with me and encourage me when I needed it. But I discovered that he had a short fuse. Little things got him very angry.
A scene from a television program can trigger his anger. Being on the phone with someone can drive him nuts. I spoke to him about it and he promised to work on it. In fact in the course of our courtship, he broke my phone when he claimed I spent too much time with a caller.
I broke up with him, he came crying and begging. He also promised never to do so again. He was also forced to involve family members and I was persuaded to forgive him
We got married.
We got married exactly a year after we started our courtship and it seemed like bliss. Then the beating started. He would beat me for not waking up, for sleeping late, for not opening the door on time, for not eating with him. I didn’t understand what was going on. I was told never to discuss my marriage with a third party and so I took it in all alone. The assault continued.
I was going through the worst time of my life. I lost my confidence and my voice. I couldn’t express myself because I had the fear of saying the wrong thing . I couldn’t confide in anyone. But a lot of people knew because it was the same story I was telling them.
“How come you always fall off a bike when the company gave you a car?”
The church did not help matters. They advised me to change my ways. That I probably got beaten because I didn’t respect him. This further drove me into my shell.
My exit
I had endured years of beatings and emotional abuse. I had been reduced to nothing. The last beating I got was so bad that my doctor told me that if I kept being with a monster I would lose my life someday. It hit home. I decided to walk away. I did without looking back. It’s been 4 years and I thank God I did.
My advice
- Don’t go into marriage because of age, pressure or desperation. Those were my issues.
2. Do not keep quiet when you notice you partner is abusive. Speak to someone.
3. Don’t keep staying with a violent partner. Separate yourself from such a person until he gets help and turns a new leaf
The church society and pastors need to start talking and teaching about assault and abuse
Families should never leave their children to return to abusive relationships because of what people will say. Always try to encourage them to speak up and support them with any means available.
